The Universe Speaks
I’m a big believer in signs from the universe.
And nah, that doesn’t make me crazy. It actually makes me a better creative professional. I connect dots. I create associations. Sometimes I create relationships between 2 seemingly unrelated items or ideas and the result is something unexpected– and awesome! Though, when taken too far in the wrong direction– this can create anxiety in my life. However, over the years living life as a human on this Earth (typically, I’m an alien, right?), I’ve learned a certain level of emotional intelligence which has (thankfully) prevented me from dipping too far into a vast unknown I’ve created in my own head– *see: Existential Crisis.
But in life, I understand that something bigger than myself is always collaborating with me. Now, I’ve had these discussions with a friend, who is less spiritual than I. We discuss whether that “small voice” inside our head is just the left hemisphere of the brain chatting with the right, or if it’s something above and beyond us. Who (really) knows? I just hope we all believe in something that empowers us, whatever that happens to be.
So I believe this small voice– and the associations I see around me– are from a big, awesome man-woman-alien-figment-energy-ball-cluster-cell that’s got my back, and knows a thing or two about how life will play out.
Basically, I believe in the Universe, doin’ it’s thing, being a cool cat.
So the Universe has been telling me for some time that my course and personal transformation is veering away from what I initially thought it would be. I thought what I ego-ically “deserved” and desired in life could ultimately be mine if I stuffed Belief into my veins hard enough.
In my case, I thought I deserved and was entitled to complete… perfect…. health. I believed if I manifested it soooooo hard, I could bring into existence the perfect diagnosis that would give me enough answers and Peace, leading me to find a treatment plan that healed my all: mind, body and soul.
But life doesn’t work that way.
Sure, you can manifest (and I have in the past!), but manifesting takes a great deal of collaboration…. and to collaborate with the universe, you have to have a balanced Give and Take in the relationship.
I wanted to take. I wanted what I wanted… when I wanted it.
Listening to That Voice/Universe
So that brings me back to these “signs” from the universe. The universe (in my recent-past opinion… as in, like, probably yesterday) was being a big ole’ jerk face. She/he/it was showing me Handicap parking spaces, disabled people all around me, and easy-access ramps for wheelchairs. As much as I turned my head away from these pesky clues, telling myself these things were just noticeable to me because being sick was always on my mind– these signs would not stop throwing themselves out in front of me, declaring “Here I am!”
That is, until I finally acknowledged them and shed light on what they meant to me. Whether it was my right brain refusing to accept the news from my left, or my whole being refusing to accept from the Universe… a big part of me was terrified about admitting that I was actually, truly, undeniably… disabled.
What Being Disabled Means
Being disabled means so many things, especially if you were once active and able. To me, personally, admitting I was disabled was difficult because it felt like I was giving up on myself. It meant that I didn’t believe I could get better, or believed I “had it in me” to overcome. It was the ultimate rejection of my self worth. It was the kid on the playground telling me I couldn’t climb higher than they could– only it was myself being the bully.
In the current work culture of PUSH, MOVE, FASTER, HARDER- NOW!– there’s no room to show you’re a wounded gazelle… not when the lions are afoot. I was both the wounded gazelle and the lion. I was chasing myself, attempting attacks, while I was also grappling with my pain and chronic illness, asking repeatedly “why me?!”. The most hurtful things I attacked myself with were “I should” statements and thinking I had to “always be productive” by doing, going, pursuing.
But here’s something that hit home for me recently. On a recent sick day (HAH. That’s funny because every day is a sick day for me) I got watching a documentary about Einstein (*Nerd alert). In it, they discussed how Einstein enjoyed trying different thought experiments to examine new ideas. One of these thought experiments revealed that Gravity and Acceleration were one in the same:
“Einstein’s ground-breaking realization (which he called “the happiest thought of my life”) was that gravity is in reality not a force at all, but is indistinguishable from, and in fact the same thing as, acceleration, an idea he called the “principle of equivalence”.
A simple thought experiment serves to clarify this: if an astronaut in the cabin of a spacecraft accelerating upwards at 9.8 metres per second per second (the same acceleration as gravity imparts to falling bodies near the Earth’s surface) were to drop a feather and hammer they too would hit the floor of the cabin simultaneously (in the absence of air resistance), exactly as would have happened if they had fallen on Earth under gravity. That, and the feeling of his feet being glued to the ground just as they would be in Earth’s gravity, would be enough to convince the astronaut that the acceleration of the spaceship was indistinguishable from the pull of gravity on the Earth.
So what does this have to do with anything I’m talking about? Well, it made me realize that being pulled toward Earth, being held down, staying still (aka Gravity) means I would still, in fact, be moving forward… accelerating in my life… and possibly not even be able to tell the difference. So, mathematics aside, I’m viewing Einstein’s thought experiment purely from a metaphysical perspective:
Standing still is the same as moving forward.
While I was trying to pull the Universe– and my own path– in the direction I wanted…. the Universe was trying to, in fact, ask me to stand still– “Chill out, man!” This would actually give me more insight so that I could move forward more effectively, instead of punching and screaming that it wasn’t happening my way. (see: Resistance)
How Do We Move Forward?
We’ve all heard that meditation is pretty good for us. Why is that? We aren’t getting anything done in that time; we’re just sitting still, closing our eyes, trying to be an empty space. “Being an empty space doesn’t get things done– getting things done GETS things done!”
But in that time of sitting still, just ‘being’ , we understand what we are.
And in my case, I understood what I wasn’t. (and hey, it’s ok self!)
I wasn’t able. I was not able to do things like I used to. I was no longer able to sit in choir and sing for 3 hours. I was no longer able to understand voices around me with clarity. I was no longer able to control how my body reacted to stress. I was no longer able to stand for longer than 5 minutes without feeling like I would pass out. I was no longer able to go grocery shopping. I was no longer able to stay vertical at art galleries, thrift stores, book stores…
I was no longer able.
And yeah, it was maddening (ok, yeah IS maddening still at times!) that I don’t understand why I am no longer able. I resisted! Oh, how I resisted!! But in this moment, in the here and now… I am not able.
But there are tools and equipment available that can help me be able, the Universe kept mentioning them to me… and I kept turning my head, resisting (because I want, what I want, when I want it– remember?).
Over the past 4 months, I had been exploring the idea of purchasing a mobility aid. This thought, of course, angered my Ego, who said I was still capable– don’t give up on yourself– you can do anything! But those thoughts were actually preventing me from moving forward (Stupid resistance!) and finally… FINALLY showing myself that I loved myself, and lived in the Here and Now….
Tomorrow I’m picking up my first mobility aid.
I will be able to go shopping again without fear of passing out because there isn’t a seat available. I will be independent enough to go to thrift stores and buy (seemingly) useless junk without longingly wishing for a wheelchair. I will be able to walk outside and not fear a stranger finding me on the ground and stealing my wallet (this thought honestly comes into my head a lot). I will be able to enjoy grocery shopping again, instead of creating a strategy plan of attack for grabbing the groceries fast and rushing out of the store ASAP because (you guessed it) I would pass out while standing in line.
I will be able.
Slowing down, facing that one fact that I was disabled was actually a perfect example of Gravity and Acceleration at its finest. And here’s something I’ve realized….
Gravity and Acceleration = Give and Take = The Ultimate Collaboration
You read that right. The balance between giving and taking = gravity and acceleration, which is the ultimate collaboration in the universe.
That’s my formula. Go ahead and use it.
In my example, the Universe was giving me signs, showing me a path that would answer my questions and squelch my health fears. It was leading me toward peace. It was leading me toward the fastest route forward, the path of least resistance. It was Acceleration. It was listening to me and taking me on a journey, giving me the life I wanted and desired and repeatedly asked for (oh, wait, the universe heard my ‘I want what I want when I want it? Well cool!).
And finally, I’m listening back– or rather, listening in.
And that mind body soul connection I longed for? It’s a lot more connected. And all I had to do was stop and listen for a second, and let myself be led. And maybe it’s me leading myself, maybe it’s my left hemisphere and right hemisphere finally getting along. Whatever it is, collaboration is finally taking place… and I can see clearer now.