Eating Disorder Awareness
Susie’s Story
I had the great opportunity to share a blog post about my Eating Disorder Story with eating disorder awareness non-profit White Pine Center for Healing.
The full article includes images I had taken during that time and artwork I had made. I encourage anyone interested in learning more to check it out!
It includes 5 reasons why EDAW is so important to celebrate– especially in our community!
Check it out here: https://www.whitepinecenter.org/post/the-story-of-susie-why-edaw-is-so-important
Susie Hosterman, sitting in front of the Bicentennial Tower as it is lit up Blue and Green to celebrate the first day of Eating Disorder Awareness Week.
Below is the first part of the blog post: My story
“I first became ill from Anorexia Nervosa right around puberty. During this time I also experienced a change in my social circle. Suddenly, instead of my warm bubble of elementary school friends, I was now among other schools and their friendship groups.
I felt scared, left out, and like I didn’t know how to navigate making new friends. My grandmom had just died so my family was grieving at home, and then my first pet died of cancer at just age 5. She had been my comfort. I felt like something was wrong with me because so much chaos was happening all at once.
Because I didn’t know how to share those feelings, I tried to ignore them and tried to stop taking up space. It was hard for me to eat or think of myself during a time when the rest of my family was so openly expressing their anger and sadness.
Coupled with Puberty (which is NOT easy) and feeling embarrassed and insecure about the changes in my body and what it all meant, I just wanted to hide. Nothing was ever the same.
Counselors started getting involved, friends worried, and I was bullied a lot for being so thin and lanky. I wore coats to bed, I lost hair, and barely any photos exist of me during that time.
But I did get better. The next year, I joined a Girl Scouts Camp trip and had the time of my life. I felt more confident. I started having the best years of my life. But I always worried my eating disorder would come back.
At that time, I had not yet had any therapy for my eating disorder. I just acted like it was a blip and wasn’t a big deal.
Again, in college, anorexia resurfaced amid chaos. And even though I started therapy I was still unaware of why I wanted to starve and punish myself and tell myself these life changes were MY FAULT. I became so ingrained in the disorder that my life centered around what I wasn’t eating and for how long I wouldn’t (or didn’t) eat.
At this time, I needed more extensive care. My health was rapidly failing, my mom was pleading with me on the phone to “Choose life!”, “Please eat!”, and I was so incredibly terrified of dying… but also living.
Unfortunately, the nearest eating disorder center that was covered by my insurance was over 2.5 hours away. I tried short stays at local hospitals’ mental health units, but they were inexperienced with understanding eating disorders and continued to shame me for my lack of eating, like I was doing it to be rebellious.
I felt so misunderstood and alone. They thought I was bad, so I must truly be bad. No one else on the units had an eating disorder and I felt very stigmatized and alienated. I did not get proper care there.
When I went inpatient for eating disorders specifically though, I started to truly understand what drove me to fear foods or fear showing myself some love and patience.
I could write books about my stays at this inpatient treatment facility. I grew so much during that time and really came to understand myself better. I met lifelong friends who also had eating disorders.
It was such a JOYOUS feeling to be surrounded by people who cared and professionals who were knowledgeable in HOW TO CARE for eating disorders. However, my eating habits were so ingrained that it was a long journey to learn how to care for myself and even just to TRUST that I was safe enough to love myself.
This was a very long period of my life, breaking these habits, and I had quite a few relapses and falls. I revisited this inpatient facility over and over.
At one point, we thought insurance would cover an intensive outpatient program and my dad was willing to relocate and stay with me in this new city while I started the program, but the cost was astronomical, and insurance only covered one day of care.
It felt like my hope was shattered.
So, I returned to casual therapy sessions back in a city with very few eating disorder support resources.
I’m grateful that there is more information about eating disorders available to honor that healing journey.
My name is Susie. I’m an artist, musician, and eating disorder advocate in Erie, PA.
I first started spreading awareness about eating disorders and my daily life managing anorexia in 2008 when I made a video of myself opening-up on YouTube. Since that time, I’ve had my ups and downs in recovery and tried to stay very honest about those waves.
To honor that journey, I started getting more involved in activism and advocacy. I’ve taken part in the National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA) Eating Disorder Awareness Walk across the Brooklyn Bridge in 2011 (it happened on my birthday and felt like a birthday wish come true!), raised money for the cause, and am now a collaborator and content creator for NEDA.
In college, I had a gallery show called Case Study, which was a mixed medium event (video, photography, sculpture, book design and more) showcasing the honesty of what an eating disorder looks like when not sensationalized. I also made a full-length documentary, called “Retreat Behind Ribs”, which garnered over 96,000 views by 2012 when I decided to take it down.
**** and please consider donating to White Pine while you’re there, to help their eating disorder recovery resources flourish in our community. A decade ago these services were hard to come by! *****