After a break up, we’re often thrown out of wack. Kept in this ping-pong type insanity of wishing they’ll come back, and hoping to high heavens they don’t. Then agonizing that we feel like victims, and being too forceful to-get-over-it-already and find control in the situation by focusing on passions, or hiding in a depressive mess on our beds (or floor, whichever looks comfiest).
I got dumped. There. It happened. I said it. Dumped.
It sounds dramatic, and vulgar to say it that way- the opposite of how the end went down for me. Sure, I cried (a lot) and sure, he held me (so lovingly…) but I didn’t set the bed on fire, or give a Xena-warrior-princess shrill cry as I stabbed him in his heart with a sword (much like how my heart felt). I loved him. love him. loved him. love him.
doesn’t matter now, does it?
But either way- every moment I feel some emotion related to the unseen blow… hurts. But I’m convincing myself that it also gives me another opportunity to assess the question….
DaFUQ do I want in life??? Is how I’m living this life… how I want to be living?
And it sucks that it takes a loss of someone in my life to bring this question to mind. And sure, I admit, I wondered this constantly before this past relationship ended, but never to this degree of “Welp, better figure this out now!”
Being single (*cringe- not used to that term yet*) means I don’t have anyone to love as openly as I had, or pamper as much as I want to. Who am I if I can’t care for another person?
That’s what my post-break up mind is wondering. So, In response- I sat down and started my list of “What do I need to be happy?”
This list was different than the first list I made, titled: “My new guy”, in which I detailed every nuance of a perfect mate. (“Delicious man-scent, cleans up after himself, keeps his f$%%$ promises…” etc)
And it was very different than my Pros and Cons list of my (new) ex, in which I examined what the hell I NEVER want in my life again… and gee golly, what I wish I had in my life constantly still…
Nope. This “What do I need to be happy?” list turned a very different corner for me.
I thought it would have things like “snuggly, cuddly animals to cry on when I’m sad”, or “punchable face pillow that resembles my ex”, or even a good mix of the two… “punchable face pillow that resembles my ex that I want to cuddle and cry on.”
But instead, it got down to the bare necessities.
- A hand to hold
- Skin to touch and love
- Eyes to love
- A bathtub
- Animals to pet
- Stairs to climb
- Balcony to overlook
- Legs to walk
- Scruffy face to feel (his)
- Instruments to play
- Paint to splatter
- Books to read
- Hands to heal
- Light dresses to dance in
- Blankets to lay on and under
- Camera to see
- Computer and phone to share
- Jewelry to remind me
- Clothing to express…
- Faith to believe
- Strength to continue
- Courage to begin
- Wisdom to let go.
My list began with what feels happy to me, and happy for me was feeling alive: Feeling wind on my face, sun on my skin, water flowing past me. Feeling soft animals, scruffy faces, wearing light flowy clothes…
But the last four on the list took me by surprise, and also seemed to make the most sense. Hardly a thought crossed my mind as I wrote them, and it seemed as though some other force was working through me, counseling me on how best to get through this new journey.
And yet, reviewing them now, I wonder- how do I know which trait to enact, given the situation? Will I know what to let go of, and what to have the strength to continue with? Ah, so many questions. But I know that each moment after this break up, as long as I rely on listening to myself and allowing myself to heal and feel as I need to, I will be ok.
And so, I leave you with this song- which is often seen me through times of uncertainty and change.