Overcome Your Fear of Lack in 4 Steps

“Where are you Christmas?”

Overcome your fear of lack in life in 4 steps.

Lately, each day I’ve found myself either waking up in an anxious rush, or huddled up in a small, sad cocoon. With all the knowledge I have learned in the high performance realm, I instantly try to put my tools to work: Just think of happiness. Generate happy moments. Believe in yourself. Just start moving…

But something stops me from doing so. And I know, from years of therapy, that that something is myself– and that that block is somewhere within me, halting my body, mind, and soul from doing what it really wants to do:

Connect.

I forget that I’m the boss, the captain of this ship.

Or, maybe I don’t forget.

Maybe I KNOW I am the boss, and that power scares me, because I WILL fail somehow, something WILL get in my way…

and so it’s easier to get in my own way, right?

Fail small so bigger fails won’t happen? Better to be broke and lose a bit of money than rich and lose all of your money.

My fiancé loves to sing Christmas songs. I don’t know how they pop into his head, (and we’re talking all year-round here). Sometimes, though it seems like divine intervention when it happens. I find that whenever I happen to be thinking to myself “I feel stuck…” “I feel trapped somehow”, Jake walk into the room, singing “Chestnuts roasting on an open fire”, or God, help us, “Jingle bells”.

But it works! It helps distracts me from the sadness I’m feeling, because… wait, why is he singing that?

And secondly, it puts me into the space and time of Christmas; surrounded by family, gift giving and receiving. I feel warmed by the hologram of a fire-place and the sound of the crackling wood. It can’t help but settle my disheartened spirit, even by a minuscule. It makes me smile– and laugh– and I start singing with him. I feel connected again; to someone and to myself. I created a new feeling within myself.

Before he walked through the door, my pitiful soul had been singing the Grinch’s song “Where are you Christmas?”, (which is my usual woe-is-me default song stuck-in-my-head, indicating longing and sadness). And I easily beat myself up when I get into those funks, too. It does start with me, after all. It’s all mismanagement of my mind. And sure, external forces may be at work as well, but ultimately, I derive strength and perseverance from within, which overcomes these funks. Feeling “without” (or lack) does not create a strong connection with life.

So, what is the antidote to depression, loneliness, or feeling stuck in life?

Get connected. By doing something that creates a feeling of connection in life, huzzah! You’ll feel connected.

How? For starters…

  1. Lay off the phone, get off the TV, and be thankful for your life

Comparing my life to that of others consciously (and subconsciously) makes me feel like I’m lacking something in my life. “Look at that cute puppy! I don’t have a cute puppy… I can’t feel happy without one…”, “Look at that fat, ugly, crying, cute baby… I don’t have one…”

Getting sidetracked by what I don’t have (whether I saw it online, or on tv) makes me almost blind to the things I do have: An amazing fiancé? Check! 2 adorable, well-behaved cats? Check, check! An awesome job that feels like home? Check-ity-do-da

Why all the hate, man? Why not congratulate myself on what I DO have and how I was able to make that happen in my life.

Also, feeling unsatisfied in life is actually a good thing to feel for just a moment. It gives you some insight into what you truly admire in life, and hope to one day achieve. So, when I feel this overwhelming and draining sensation of lack- I can thank it. I’ve found that feeling abundant generates more abundance in my life. What better way to feel abundant than bask in all the awesome stuff I already have around me? I feel ready to take the next step and see how I can bring in more abundance!

  1. Get in your body

We’ve all heard the advice before: get moving! Stuck in your head? Worried about the future, or feeling embarrassed about the past? Stand up, and jump up and down! Do a few summersaults (if you’re able) and try busting a move to get all that energy (which is pent up in your head) out on the table- er, dance floor! Not only will your endorphins give you a boost in brain-power, it will also create a spacious bubble of understanding around you that helps you allow others to feel their own feels. In essence, it reduces your judgmental thoughts, widens your empathy bubble and paves the way for more connection among you and everyone else. So, pick a thang (yes, thang) that you enjoy doing. Running up and down steps? Yoga? Throwing a ball? Pick something and do that a few times each week, or once a day– But do it often, and try to make it a habit for your own sanity and well being. The more often you commit to moving, the more often you commit to yourself and your health.

  1. Say Hi to Strangers

I speak from experience that getting out there can be scary. At one point in my life, I was so afraid of making eye contact and saying hi (or any other words) to people, I literally didn’t leave my apartment for 6 months. I couldn’t even walk and get my mail because I was so scared of socializing (see: agoraphobia). I came across a self-help game online (they exist!) that gave me small social goals to achieve and rack up points as I did so which helped me build my confidence. One that was the most transformational to achieve was a challenge to walk down the street, smile and say hi to 6 strangers. Knowing I was doing this for the game, I was able to accomplish it with less fear! And any time someone refused to say hi back because they were mean or didn’t seem to hear me? Instead of thinking I sucked and beating myself up over it, I took it to mean that maybe they felt like me and were too scared to say hi as well. I felt less alone, and hey- look! A community! I understood the scared people in my life.

  1. Join a Community

Now, with all that experience you’ll get saying hi to strangers, you may now feel accomplished enough to seek out a community of people who are just like you.

Play an instrument? Find or start a band!

Like pottery? Take a class!

Is reading your thing? Join or make your own book club.

And I don’t want to hear any No’s from the crowd. If your intuition is pushing you to join a community- find a way to honor that drive. It will be one of the best things you can do for your self-esteem. Believe in yourself. You got this! And, if you’re still finding it difficult to say hi to strangers, don’t sweat it. Start by finding a tribe online, perhaps one that also has opportunities to meet in person, or via Skype, zoom, or any of those online communal spaces. Just join and give it a shot.

So if you find yourself longing for connection, or more abundance in your life, try a few of these little habits to help open the door of opportunity. What’s the worse that can happen… Happiness? Connection? Abundance? All you could ever want in life?

Let me know how it goes in the comments, and how you went about getting it in your life. I love celebrating your successes and happiness! It’s contagious!

4 Steps to Getting Unstuck in Life and Making Fear Your Friend

Make Fear your Friend by following these 4 crucial steps

Get unstuck in life by turning that pesky Fear into a friend!

get unstuck and swim

Just Keep Swimming.

You’re ready. You’ve sat down and attempted to discover where you want to go on your next journey, and even pin pointed the stops you’re going to make, and the experiences you want to have. You’ve even taken the time to chart the distance, in miles, that you will travel.

You’re ready. You’ve color coded the “entertainment” stops, the “museums” in the area. You’ve made a list, checked it twice… actually, three times, and you know exacatly every moment you want to fill with progress.

You’re ready. You’ve spoken to friends, especially those who have traveled as you’re about to travel. You’ve taken into considerations their experiences, they hang-ups, their adventures and inspirations along the way.

You’re ready….But you don’t feel ready.

Not in your heart. Not in the bounce of your step. And so, all these plans, all these beautiful charted lands of adventure… sits stale, on your coffee table. You try to convince yourself you’re ready, you remind yourself of everything you have accomplished so far to get you to this point, but to make that leap, to start driving… to get out there… Man, that’s a journey in and of itself.

And so you hesitate. You ponder. You may even do some jumping jacks to get your mind in gear… but yet something has you stuck.

get unstuck

“Stuck? We hear ya.”

And that something is You.

And it hurts. And you know this, either on a subconscious level, or a very surface level. You know you are limiting yourself, something has you believing you aren’t capable of taking that most important step. And so this knowledge builds and builds, hitting you over and over in your mind like a hammer. BAM… BAM…

Either externally or internally, you’re reaching a breaking point. Will you scream “F-CK IT” and jump? Or will you burst into tears, cut down repeatedly by your own blows, and hide in a corner.

Fight? Flight?

And shame still has you cornered. It’s visceral, or so visceral. Perhaps it’s hiding behind glossed eyes, perhaps it’s beating harder and harder in your chest. Perhaps, it’s making you sweat, or making you scream, or making you punch walls, drop kick unsuspecting objects on the floor, or yelling at your cat for sitting where he’s sitting. Either way, you’re stuck- and you’re mad about it- or you’re sad about it- or you’re absolutely enraged by it.

But don’t be.

Don’t further resist and blame yourself for feeling scared or stuck. Embrace it.

“Embrace it? For realz? How does one do that? How can I possible be ok with being a fraidy-cat, a nervous Nelly, a ….a ….”

Yes, embrace being stuck to get unstuck!

As soon as you allow yourself space to feel stuck, feel scared- it will pass faster than if you skip over this very important step- that of Acceptance.

You’ve heard it before, fear teaches us many things. Fear keeps us alive. And it does! Fear and hesitation acts as a moment for us to assess important situations, take a moment to breath, or reconsider our actions. It helps reduce destructive impulses and actions we may soon regret. It CAN be your best friend. It can also be your most annoying, insecure friend who bombards you with “what if?” scenarios. Each moment, recognize fear, and consider what he/she is saying to you.

What points do you agree with that fear? What points do you know are a load of BS?

Many call this a pros/cons list.

But, let’s try something new. Take a moment to write about your friend: Fear.

  1. Ask yourself: In what ways has Fear saved my life, or been there for me in the past? (Maybe alerted you to a dangerous situation? Possible let down? Red flags?) In what ways has he/she been a boss and stood up for you, putting you in a protective bubble, giving you confidence to get away or stand up for yourself?
  2. Now- before we list the negatives of fear, THANK fear. Thank that mofo biotch for keeping a watchful eye out for you. Thank them for their constant vigilance, their unshakable stance, and their acute eye for the devil in the details.
  3. Now take a breath. And, with compassion, let fear know you can take it from here. Tell your friend you appreciate their concern, and you take what they say to heart and see it as their way of showing love and care. Be grateful he/she is in your life as a lovely stop sign to help you really decide what is best for you. But the light is now green.
  4. Decide for yourself. This is the scary part- and this is the part where your friend, Fear, may be bouncing up and down trying to stop you over and over with their opinion, even after you’ve shown your appreciation, even after you assured them you’re going to be ok. You have the angel and devil on your shoulder, but you can’t tell which is which! Is stopping your plans a GREAT idea? Or a bust? What if? What if?

I can’t tell you how long this process may take. I can tell you, it doesn’t have to take long, and it also doesn’t have to take an instant. Reconsider your plans if it feels right to you. Take fear into consideration if you feel in your gut something is keeping you at a standstill for a reason.

But, if you ARE ready, (and, know, that I believe in you!!) if you have been ready- and Fear, your friend, has been the one holding you back, despite your perfectly charted plans? Give him/her a hug, hold their hand, and walk into the uncomfortable, uncertain future… together.

I’ll see you on the road, dear wanderer. I hope you get a chance to meet my friend, Fear sometime as well, (though she can be a bit of a brat.) She has some good insights.

fear is your friend

Fear’s your friend (sometimes.)